Community Blues: A Parody of RL fic Writing
by TeaOli
Summary: What if Uhura and Spock participated in fandom wank? Or even ship wars? What if yet another fanfic writer was glaringly guilty of self-insertion? EDIT: Chapter 3 -- the real "Ship War" posted
1. Monitors Behaving Badly

Tossing aside her PADD, Uhura lay back on her bed and groaned. Her seventeenth read-through hadn't lit a new spark of understanding. She hadn't suddenly gained insight into the vagaries of human behavior.

She stopped her hand from flinging the PADD displaying the offending evidence across the room, but it was a near thing. Realizing that her level of annoyance was disproportionate to the transgression didn't diminish her ire.

_Damn them!_ she silently seethed. Involuntarily, the hand curled into a fist. Forcing her fingers open, she reached for the PADD again.

"An eighteenth reading the of entries will not alter what you already know to have happened, beloved," Spock said from where he worked quietly at the desk across the small room. "As we are on leave, perhaps it would be wise for you to choose an activity that actually _relaxes_ you."

His tone was meant to be soothing, and to some extent, he was achieved it. But even his quiet calm and propensity for reason was no match for the sense of injustice roiling inside her.

Under other circumstances, she might have quipped back, "Since we're on leave, there's one particular activity which I find _extremely_ relaxing — but it requires your participation and you're _working_."

And because by now he knew the drill, he would have turned from the computer or PADD or whatever had occupied time better spent taking advantage of their all-too-infrequent license to enjoy each other freely, so that they could commence relaxing each other.

Not this time.

She wasn't in the mood.

"I need your help," she said, instead. Sitting up, she turned fiercely determined eyes on her lover. "Help me write a response that won't get me banned from the community."

Spock's eyebrow did a slow slide up and she couldn't stop a tiny smile, the edge of her anger dulled just a bit.

"You are the communicator in the family," he pointed out, but he rose from his seat and approached the bed, nonetheless. "I doubt my intervention is truly needed."

"That's where you'd be wrong," she said, grabbing his hand as soon as he was in reach. "Feel that, k'diwa? That's Pissed-Off-Beyond-All-Recognition. It wouldn't be a good idea for me to compose a comeback in this mood. You can help me put together a _logical_ response."

No one besides McCoy had ever called Spock an idiot, and the half-Vulcan knew when distracting tactics were in order.

He let Uhura pull him onto the bed and immediately curled up next to her, sliding one arm beneath her slender body and reaching over her for the data device with the other.

"How shall we proceed," he asked as he shifted his woman so that she was sprawled halfway across his chest and they both had a clear view of the PADD's screen.

She plucked the stylus from the holder embedded in the side of the device and pointed at line of characters on the screen.

"Well first, we need to post a placeholder right away," she said. "Jaqui's entry came right after this one, and I want ours in the same spot. I want everyone to _know_ what this is about. But the dummy-post has to be on topic, or it might get wiped."

She felt a rumble in his chest and glanced up in time to see his lips twitch up at the corner.

"Given recent evidence," he began by way of explanation, "perhaps the chances of the site monitors 'wiping' our post will be deleted if we were to write something even further off-topic than that which Yeoman Hottar posted."

Shaking her head, Uhura stifled the laugh Spock's attempt at humor almost won.

"Focus, baby!" she ordered, stabbing her stylus at the PADD screen. "Just get something up quickly so that we don't lose our place in the queue."

Spock brushed his lips across her forehead.

"Aye, Lieutenant," he mock-obeyed. "I will do so on one condition."

This time Uhura didn't even bother trying to keep the smile off her face.

"Yes, k'diwa," she promised, "before we write a real rebuttal, I promise we'll help each other relax."

* * *

**A/N:** Just having a little fun with protest fic 'cause community moderators are human, too, and sometimes they make grave errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own Uhura or Spock or anything Trek related and I'm not _really_ trying to start wank.


	2. antiCanon & OOC

Spock rolled over to find Nyota no longer beside him. A quick scan of the room showed her at the desk, hard at work.

"Come back to bed, beloved," Spock he murmured sleepily. "Relaxing" with his beloved always tired him out.

"Just a minute," she called out. "I'm almost done."

In actuality, she came over to sit on the edge of the bed after only another forty-eight seconds of work.

"I think I have it figured out," she told him. Her fingers still worked a stylus across the screen of her personal access display device.

Spock ran his fingers through his disheveled hair, but only succeeded in mussing it further. He gave up all attempts at restoring order and reached for her instead.

"Good," he said. "Then you can 'relax' with me again."

She smiled at him indulgently, her eyes promising _More, late_, and Spock resigned himself to waiting.

"Tell what you have decided to do," he said, sitting up.

__________________

"Tara and Patrick are on vacation, but she's been keeping up with the community devoted to her favorite 'ship and she—"

"Which 'ship is that, Nyota?" Spock interrupted.

She blushed at him and wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, uh, Spock/Uhura," she said, offering the first relationship that came to mind.

She stuck her tongue out at him before continuing.

"_Anyway_, she's been keeping up with the comm even though they're on vacation and there was this post she'd been tracking because it really caught her interest, and because it was written by an online friend of hers," Uhura explained, her stylus flying over the screen. "She goes back to read it, but the monitors have taken it down, claiming it was 'too off topic.'

"So, she writes a fic-slash-discussion-post about Uhura writing a fic about, um, Tara and Patrick being on shore leave and reading about _their_ favorite 'ship—"

"Their 'favorite 'ship' being Uhura/Spock?" Spock interrupted again, drawing another blush from his beloved. "And 'they' being Tara and Patrick? Reading about a fictional Spock and Uhura — as depicted by Tara — who have written about a fictional Tara and Patrick — depicted by Uhura?"

Grinning excitedly, Uhura blurted out a hurried "yes" and launched back into her summarization, making changes as she spoke. "And so Tara writes a fic about—" She cut herself off when she observed one corner of his mouth tilting up and his eyes beginning to sparkle. "You know what, Spock? I think you should just read it yourself. It'll be less confusing that way!"

She handed over the PADD and Spock duly began reading the short piece of fanfiction she had written.

Uhura watched as he took far longer than expected to peruse the contents.

"Well?" she asked, when he finally lifted his eyes from the handheld device.

"There are several elements in this fic that are inconsistent with canon, beloved," he replied, honest as usual.

"For instance?" she prompted, proud that she didn't feel even a flicker of temper. Relaxing with Spock usually left her utterly incapable of anger for hours on end.

"Instance one: Several story arcs of Star-Gazette have revolved around Tara's reluctance to stand up for herself in life and in the newsroom," he pointed out. "Why would she stand up for an online friend in the Spock_Uhura community?

"Instance two: Tara is an award-winning journalist who has twice been a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize. Why would she spend her free time writing fanfiction?

"Instance three: Nothing in Star-Gazette canon indicates that what would be for the people of their time period science fiction is a popular genre. Would this story not require you to go back and write a backstory for Tara, establishing her preference for viewing moving pictures taking place in an imagined future?"

Grinning, Uhura plucked the PADD from his hands.

"It's crack!fic, sweetie. The characters are allowed to be a little OOC."

* * *

**A/N:** Just having a little more fun with protest fic 'cause community members are also human, and sometimes _they_ care too much about what moderators do.

Disclaimer: I don't own Uhura or Spock or anything Trek related and I'm not _really_ trying to start wank.


	3. Ship War

Still smiling, she took a few more passes over the screen with the stylus and then handed the device back to Spock.

"There! I over-wrote the dummy-post," she said. "Now, if you'll just leave a comment saying how funny and to-the-point it is, we can get back to 'relaxing.'"

Spock's eyes were no longer sparkling as he gazed back at her.

"I cannot do that, beloved," he said.

"Why not?" she asked. Cautious concern widened her eyes and softened her voice.

"I am no longer a member of the Tara_Patrick community," he admitted. "Since I no longer 'ship the couple, I felt it would be disingenuous to maintain my membership."

"What! Since when?" she asked, snatching the PADD back. The curative effect of 'relaxing' with Spock had its limits.

If it was possible for a Vulcan — or even a half-Vulcan — to appear sheepish, Spock did so.

"Since the last season's holos were released," he replied. "When you introduced me to fanfiction, you described it as 'an opportunity to join together couples the official writers would never dream of pairing.' I found that the concept appealed to my human-like inclination towards rebellion. Now that Tara/Patrick is canon, I find supporting the pairing no longer attracts my interest."

Feeling somewhat betrayed, Uhura could only stare at him for a long moment.

"But, you started writing a new Star-Gazette fanfic just _yesterday_," she mumbled eventually.

Spock inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Indeed, I did" he agreed. "But I originally intended not to include any 'ships in the fic at all."

"'Originally?'" she parroted, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes," he told her, not realizing just how dangerous the ground he trod was becoming. The corner of his mouth tipping up again. "I have since developed a new 'ship and intend to work it into the story."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Would you like to know which characters the pairing consists of?"

Her lips curved into a slow smile. "Tell me."

"Tara and the Sexy-Ex-Sports-Editor," he said, just a touch triumphantly.

Uhura stood without ever dropping the smile from her face.

"I'm going down to the pool," she told him as she stalked over to the bureau and selected a swimsuit. "Why don't you spend the afternoon 'relaxing' with your hand?"

.

.

The pool house locker room was steaming and hot, much like the hotel room she shared with Spock had been just a couple of hours before. Uhura forced all recollection of entangled limbs and searing Vulcan lips out of her mind. She needed to think and memories of the S'chn T'gai Relaxation Method wouldn't be much help.

Her pre-swim shower was cool enough to banish any lingering images and sensations without being so cold that she was left shivering in her bikini.

Barely noticing her surrounding, she moved from the locker room to the pool and dived into the warm water.

Three laps later, she was tempted to head back to Spock's side, but forced herself to continue swimming. After six, she wasn't sure why she'd left their bed.

She pulled herself out of the pool and slapped over to the locker room again.

A familiar face caught her eye, and she hurried over to her friend and assistant.

It didn't take long to learn that Jacqui Hottar had _not_ visited the community since her post had been removed.

"But that's only because we're on shore leave, Enni. Not all of us have a hot Vulcan sex god making our hotel rooms way more interesting than the site-seeing around here," she told Uhura.

Nor did she feel the need to address the deletion, Hottar assured her boss.

"Instead of getting steamed and pissed off with an imaginary person I'll never meet, I going to start my own fic community or find a new one- one that fosters all topics of conversation," she said. "Really, Enni, you need to relax."

Uhura found her cheeks — and other parts — heating up upon being told to "relax," but she was secure in the knowledge that the yeoman couldn't know of the special meaning she and Spock had given the word, and so Hottar would most likely just assume her superior officer was embarrassed about having tempting the gods of wank.

Embarrassment Uhura could deal with.

"Good advice, Jacqui," she grumbled. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

The yeoman stared at her for a long time, her face growing more concerned by the second.

"Lieutenant," she began, biting her lip, "if there's something more to this — something I can help you with, sir — I'm at your disposal."

Hearing her assistant revert to the formality she's worked nine long months to quell ("No, really. You can call me Nyota when we're off-duty. In fact, I'd prefer it!"), stiffened Uhura's back.

"Shut up, Jacqui," she said with a good-natured grin.

Adjusting her towel she watched Hottar nervously twist and then straighten her own immaculate swimsuit. She shook her head; maybe the yeoman should consider taking her own advice.

"Actually," she continued, "this isn't not about the comm. It's something worse: Spock 'ships Tara and the Sexy-Ex-Sports-Editor."

Hottar's eyes grew wide and her jaw fell open. A strangled noise left her throat. It occurred to Uhura that her friend might be having trouble breathing.

"Jacq! Jacq, are you okay?" she asked, rushing forward and grasping Hottar's shoulders.

"Oh, he-e-ellllll no!" exclaimed the yeoman. "No way, Nyota. No _way_ your pointy-eared sex god is shipping Tara and the S. Ex-S. E! I mean he's sex on two legs and all, but _no_body 'ships him with Tara — not unless that someone wants to take his sizzling Vulcan ass and sleep on the floor tonight. _Every_body knows she and Patrick were made for each other!"

Uhura didn't try to hold back her laugh, or to ignore the irony.

"It's just a 'ship, Yeoman," she mocked. "Seriously, Jacqui, you really need to relax."

Hottar's look of shock last exactly three seconds before she flung her arms around Uhura and both women shook with shared laughter.

By the time they came up for air, they'd turned more than a few heads in the locker room.

"Ready for a few more laps?" Hottar wanted to know.

Smiling, Uhura nodded her head.

As the two headed back towards the pool, she said, "So, I was thinking about chapter 2..."

* * *

**A/N:** Just having a little more fun with protest fic 'cause (guess what?) _shippers_ are also human, and sometimes _they_ get a little out of control.

Disclaimer: I don't own Uhura or Spock or anything Trek related and I'm not _really_ trying to start wank.


End file.
